First of all, a disclaimer; Firstly, I’m on a Megabus right now and killing time, so in depth this will not be. Secondly, *takes spliff* this is just... like... my opinion, you know? If you disagree, there’s a comments section for a reason. Come yell at me and tell me why I’m wrong.
Right now that’s out of the way; WWE is fucking great. I mean sure, it’s properly shit half the time, but that’s why we love it right?!... No, you’re contradicting yourself. A good part of what gets a wrestler over is their entrance theme music. If you have a great song with a good hook behind you (Shawn Michaels), you stand a chance regardless of if you’re good at wrestling or not (Shawn Michaels is okay at wrestling). If you have a shit song with a bad hook behind you (Nia Jax), you’re immediately at a significant disadvantage (Nia isn't great in ring to begin with and somehow managed to get vaguely over as a heel by virtue of literally breaking Becky Lynch’s face).
I’m gonna focus on the now, and on the good. These are the best entrance themes I reckon WWE have in this, the current year, 2019.
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Honestly, I’d probably rank this higher if AJ Styles wasn’t a homophobic flat earther. The flat earth stuff I can mock and forgive but he’s a massive homophobe so here we are. Annoyingly, AJ’s music fits his character to a tee and is a jam to boot. It could do without the elongated YEP YEP YEP at the start, but in fairness that was great to build up confusion and suspense for his debut. Great music, outstanding wrestler, fucking rubbish person. Thank u next (Ariana Grande is also a fucking rubbish person).
Everyone loves (or at least loved) The Shield. They’re the last of the truly great factions in WWE. All great wrestlers, all charismatic, all hard as fuck. Their music is even better. The moment you hear that walkie-talkie “Sierra Hotel India Echo Lima Delta: SHIELD”, it becomes fairly obvious that everything is about to get fucked up. The rest of the song is sick, too; a rough and unpolished stop-start metal track that encapsulates the chaos about to ensue. The Shield are great.
Also, it’s a properly completely different thing to Roman Reigns’ entrance theme ok fuck off fight me.
Note; this is about the BURN IT DOOOOOWN version.
Seth Rollins is great. Easily the most talented in ring of the aforementioned Shield faction, he’s SURELY about to finally become the Face Of WWE after he stomps Brock Lesnar's face through the core of the earth at WrestleMania 35 (watch Lesnar win now. Fucking watch him). Honestly, though a big part of Seth’s appeal for me is his music. The music works well for a face or a heel, which is good for someone like Rollins. As a face, though, one thing is different about his otherwise Meshuggah-inspired music; the inclusion of a crowd-pleasing participation “BURN IT DOWN” at the start. What does it mean? Who cares! It’s wrestling you mark!
It’s great. Shut up.
I fucking hate WWE. They fucking ruined SHINSUKE NAKAMURA. HOW DO YOU RUIN SHINSUKE NAKAMURA. Well by booking him like a twat and having Jinder Mahal be openly racist towards him I suppose but HOW DO YOU RUIN SHINSUKE NAKAMURA?! Fuck off.
Anyway probably literally the only good thing WWE have done with “Shin” (fuck Michael Cole.) is changing his music to reflect his heel turn. His face entrance music was incredible and had a hook that the crowds couldn’t help but yell annoyingly loudly (myself included) at every possible opportunity. Then he turned heel, and WWE had a moment of genius. Sure, they made his entrance theme heavier, but they kept the “woooaaah WOOOAAAAA OOHH” the crowds loved in the first place... and had some bloke scream a tonne of Japanese over it, so the (primarily English-speaking) crowds couldn’t sing along any more. Outstanding heel move. Even better, the lyrics, when translated, pretty much just go on about how great Shinsuke Nakamura is. Wonderful trolling. Wonderful music.
6. I Bring the Darkness (Baron Corbin)
Yes, I know Baron Corbin is rubbish in ring and yes, I know Baron Corbin is one of the most needlessly pushed wrestlers in recent memory and yes, I know Baron Corbin is boring as all living fuck. I know.
None of the above changes that Baron Corbin’s music is a BANGER. On almost anyone else, this music would be popular as hell. The riff isn’t too dissimilar to the Bludgeon Brothers’ music, but Corbin’s benefits from a brilliant lead vocal; that “I BRING THE DARKNESS I AM THE THUNDER” sounds fucking great. Every time I hear this theme I get a little upset that it isn’t attached to someone who isn’t absolute mince. Better luck next time. Fuck off Baron.
Listen okay I don’t give a f u c k if The Bludgeon Brothers probably don’t exist any more; at time of writing that isn’t confirmed so fuck you. As a tag team, (Luke) Harper and (Erick) Rowan have nothing left to do or prove. The decision to pair them yet again as the Bludgeon Brothers was bizarre.
Absolutely none of that changes that said tag teams entrance music fucking BANGS. It’s been in my head for fucking days. It’s heavy but catchy as hell, it’s moody, it fits the gimmick, it’s fucking great. One of the signs of a good theme is if non-wrestling people think it’s a good song, and my partner is livid because now Brotherhood is on their playlist for battles on video games. It’s a banger. End of debate.
4. Free the Flame (Ember Moon)
Soon to be officially recognised as the next “The One They Properly Fucked Up”, Ember Moon could have been massive in WWE. An incredible look complete with spooky red contact lenses, a finisher (the Eclipse) so absurdly cool looking it should see her as a main eventer by itself, great in ring in general. What could possibly have stopped her from becoming a main event mainstay? Hmm, Vince? I wonder why you didn’t sign off on her?
Regardless, she also has an absolute bop of an entrance theme; ‘Free the Flame’ has a catchy yet sufficiently heavy guitar hook, great vocals, and immediately recognisable as Ember Moon. It suits her gimmick really well and the entire package, wrestler to music, deserves better than the depressingly real racist landscape of WWE. I hate to be one of “those” wrestling fans, but fuck it; sign her up AEW.
3. Catch Your Breath (Finn Bálor)
Is my opinion slightly biased because I can’t go ten minutes without getting horny because of Finn Bálor’s face/abs/bulge? Undoubtedly. Is this my list? Also undoubtedly. Therefore tough luck.
‘Catch Your Breath’ is a fucking banger. It fits Bálor’s entrance really, really well; if he’s just on a regular Monday, he has time to take the piss out of Vince’s “big smiles out there” daftness, preen, pop his collar then do that sick couple of poses. If he’s angry and in a match of literally any importance, then a few heartbeats and discordant hits of a guitar precede the rest of the song; time for The Demon to be suitably silly/great/both, depending on your outlook. For what it’s worth, I’m firmly in the Both camp.
Has one piece of music ever fully perfectly encapsulated the feeling of “Well... I’m fucked”? I think Samoa Joe’s music does.
Imagine being in UFC like you’re CM Punk (although feel free to imagine you’re someone who is actually a good fighter and not just an unnecessarily arrogant tool), and ‘Destroyer’ playing as your opponent comes to the Octagon. You’d shit yourself. It’s really good Mind Games music. It sounds intimidating as fuck, which in WWE, suits Samoa Joe to a tee. ‘Destroyer’ for a destroyer. Put the WWE title on Joe you fucks.
1. Root of All Evil (Aleister Black)
As if I’d ever put anything else at #1.
Aleister Black is one of my favourite wrestlers of the modern era or indeed if any era. He’s a fucking monster. He’s also as close to (sorry in advance) “The Next Undertaker” that WWE will ever get. He has the intimidating aura of early Bray Wyatt, but much better in the ring and without a completely cheesy gimmick. He’s great.
And then. AND THEN his music hits. He has time to do his fucking great rising-up entrance thing, then all of a sudden oh my fucking god an absolute rager of a song drops. The band behind his music is a band called Incendiary; never has a band name so accurately described a song they’ve done. Visceral vocals, thumping backing. Heavy as fuck, or at least as heavy as WWE would allow. It’s a fucking stormer and it’s the best entrance theme in WWE today.
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I’m not wrong but tell me how I am anyway. Let’s argue.
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