This is a show that, on paper at least, seems to have been put together to have the least meaningful impact possible. Get in, put on some matches, and leave.
Kickoff: Cruiserweight Title - Buddy Murphy vs Akira Tozawa
The cruiserweight Kickoff run continues. At one stage the match gets interrupted by a promo in which Big E looks like a man who has taken all of the hallucinogens. That aside, I think this may well have been the best Kickoff match ever. They put on a solid fucking banger here. Can I please get a proper main show match at WrestleMania? Buddy Murphy is an absolute fucking legend. ****1/4
Women's Tag Titles, Elimination Chamber - Sasha Banks & Bayley vs Sonya Deville & Mandy Rose vs Carmella & Naomi vs Nia Jax & Tamina vs Riott Squad vs Iiconics
I recently rewatched the last tag team Chamber match and it didn't fill me with a great deal of hope for this one. The opening period featuring Banks and Bayley against Rose and Deville featured some good work and was a good way to kick it off. The Riott Squad were the first team released and they immediately lay out Banks and Bayley so that Banks can rest her injury. This segment had some nice sequences in it. The Iiconics enter next and immediately try to pin everyone, cuz they are smart heels. They might not be the best wrestlers but the Iiconics are good heels. They take complete control until Naomi and Carmella enter to rapturous boos. It breaks down and everybody gets their shit in. The Iiconics eliminate Carmella and Naomi with a double. Don't cause Vince unnecessary hassle. Team Botchamania enters last and they actually do cool looking spot where they swing the Iiconics into the cage repeatedly. Two Samoan drops end the Iiconics' night. Morgan and Logan dive from the top of the pods. Liv Morgan is pretty great ya know. Nia and Tamina eliminate the Riott Squad. Jax tries to take out Bayley but runs herself through one of the pods. Everybody takes advantage and takes out Tamina. See ya later. The two teams that started the match are finishing it. The finishing section of this match was pretty great all things told, with Bayley getting taken out and Banks having to find a way to win with one good shoulder. It wasn't a MOTY contender or anything but it was a hell of a lot better than the previous tag Chamber, and it comfortably exceeded my expectations. It had moments where it floundered a bit but most people came out of it looking better than they went in and the finishing section was a really well put together piece of wrestling storytelling. ***1/2
Smackdown Tag Titles - The Miz & Shane McMahon vs The Usos
I am a bit disappointed that the Usos didn't come out to Fuck Tha Police. This match was bonkers. It had almost no match structure whatsoever but was perversely entertaining. Shane got blown up on the apron without even getting in, and at one stage he channelled his inner Steve Blackman and hit a pump kick which, for reasons I can't explain, had me crying with laughter. The Usos caught Shane with a superkick on a coast to coast attempt and Shane still did the leap of faith through the announce table. Nobody does this much dumb shit on a B PPV. Probably because nobody else is as much of a loon as Shane. Was the match good? Not particularly. Did I get an unnatural amount of entertainment out of it? For some reason, yeah. The Usos winning was a pleasant surprise too. ***1/2
Intercontinental Title - Bobby Lashley & Lio Rush vs Finn Balor
What can I say about this match? Well, it was a match that happened. Balor won, and Lashley took it out on Rush, and nobody messed anything up. Next. **1/2
Raw Women's Title - Ronda Rousey vs Ruby Riott
Rousey comes out dressed as Sonya Blade... and she has won. NR
After the match, Charlotte squares up to Rousey but The Man makes her presence felt. She limps in on crutches but blindsides Charlotte and beats the shit out of her with one of the crutches. She offers Charlotte to Rousey but it's a swerve and she beats the piss out of Rousey too. It was brutal and it was glorious. Rousey is busted open and everything, The Man is over like rover. Great segment.
No DQ - Braun Strowman vs Baron Corbin
This was one of the most boring matches I've watched in a while. My interest levels were already low but the interference from McIntyre and Lashley just killed it dead. Even a triple powerbomb through two tables couldn't help. Balor and Angle didn't even help cuz faces make terrible friends apparently. *
Lacey Evans came out, walked halfway down the ramp, and fucked off again. Random as fuck.
WWE Title, Elimination Chamber - Daniel Bryan vs Kofi Kingston vs Jeff Hardy vs Samoa Joe vs Randy Orton vs AJ Styles
Daniel Bryan and Samoa Joe start the match, with Joe beating the shit out of his vegan counterpart. It's fun times. Kofi is first out. Joe tries to chop a hole in Bryan's chest so Bryan decides to run to higher ground. This allows Kingston to do the trustfall from the side of the Chamber. More evil chops from Joe before Styles emerges from his pod. We now have the four best wrestlers in the match together. Unfortunately, that doesn't last as Styles hits a Phenomenal Forearm to eliminate Joe. Hardy is the next man out. Hardy hits a sweet looking Swanton from the top of the pod to Styles, who was on the top rope, but walked straight into a running knee, and he is gone. Randall is out and he is doing Randally things. Styles goes for a Phenomenal Forearm but gets caught in an RKO. Not quite Outta Nowhere but sweet nonetheless. He takes control but is caught by a Trouble In Paradise, and we are left with Bryan and Kofi. What follows is one of the most genuinely engrossing, emotional finishing segments to a match that I have seen in a long time. It was beautifully done. The whole match was built to get Kofi over as the lovable babyface, and boy did it work. The crowd was electric. I mean really emotionally invested. It was wonderful. It also succeeded in making Bryan a proper heel. Nobody was cheering for him. This was spot on, simple, wrestling storytelling. I loved it. Genuinely well done stuff by everyone. Thank you. ****3/4
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